“The Face”

it’s a novel by Dean Koontz I finished reading this week, it’s a really nice one n’ if it wasn’t for the supernatural stuff I’d say it’s perfect!...

the thing about it is that it got me introduced to Anarchism which otherwise might not have heard of...Corky, the bad guy -who I grew fond of at the beginning- was aiming at the destruction of society as an agent of chaos, by the end of the novel he gets killed only after we find out that he is nothing but a psycho with OCD “Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder”

Here r some quotes I really liked:
during the Great Depression...“When steel sagged, when clothes grew moth-eaten on haberdashery racks, when cars rusted on showrooms floors for want of customers, the film industry nevertheless flourished. in bad times as in good, the only two absolute necessities were food and illusions.”

“Dunny wanders room to room, moved by humanity’s desire to make beautiful its habitat and thereby bravely to deny that the roughness of the world must be endured. Every palace and every work of art is only dust as yet unrealized, and time is the patient wind that will wither it away. Nevertheless, men and women have given great thought, effort, and care to making these rooms appealing, because they hope, against all evidence, that their lives have meaning and that in their talents lies a purpose larger than themselves.”

Oblivion...

“beating softly”: hey! u don’t have to look after me...am fine here...go run along with ur plans...i’ll be here when u need me!...

me: running...what’s that noise?!...umm...it’s probably nothing!...
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“beating anxiously”: I know I said u don’t have to worry about me...but it w’d be nice if u looked my way every once in a while!...just see how am doing!...

me: still running...still cant hear a thing!...
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“beating violently”: hey bitch!...i can’t take this anymore...u cant keep doing this to me...like it or not am here...i know u can hear me!!...

me: why a heart attack sounds like a good idea right now?!!

On friendships...

For so many reasons I never believed in the “foreverness” of friendships or relationships in general...i used to think that the clichés ppl. use “like my bro/sis”& “BFF’s”.... r mere stupidity n’ some media influenced crap!!

maybe because of our constant moving in the past I picked up a terrible habit...whenever I meet new ppl. or start new friendships...consciously or not I w’d setup an expiry date for everyone!...so that when it’s time to say goodbye I’d be more than prepared n’ more like “ HA3!! I KNEW IT!!”....n’ surprisingly I hardly ever missed an expiry date....

Lately life’s proving me wrong in too many ways...after missing every expiry date I put for my heavenly friends...after being through a lot together for sooo many amazing years I actually felt it!!...i truly felt like each one is like a brother to me n’ girls r the sisters I never had!! I still can’t believe this actually happened to me...I honestly never thought I had it in me to have those feelings for strangers!!

are these ppl. friends for life?....yes!.....will we be together forever?....No!... it’s a curse!! It’s a fucking curse!! It hurts real bad to see them leave one after the other when they r no way near their expiry dates n’ there’s really nothing I can do about it!! The only thing I can do maybe...wish them good luck!!...till we meet again!!...my friends!!....

Gemini vs. Psycho

I don’t know how this may sound maybe a lil bit cheesy but am gonna say it anyhow :D

So I’ve been called a weirdo, crazy, nutjob and most recently a psycho...most of the times they were meant in a good sense but there were times when it felt like serious accusations that w’d lead me to a depressing overall-self-revision...Here where I must say the old cliché...i don’t believe in the daily horoscope crap n’ I really don’t but few years earlier I came to believe in the general personality traits of the sign after realizing how much every Gemini “weirdo” have in common n’ how that most of the ppl. that fascinate me-as rare as that happen-usually turn out to be Geminis...

Recently I realized that there’s a pattern to the kind of behavior that w’d give me those lovely “pet names” so I decided to google it up n’ I just couldn’t believe my eyes!!...the no. of threads I got on the connection between being a Gemini n’ having disorders to be more specific Bipolar & Borderline disorders I even found a published school paper which calls it “The "Gemini" Disorder”!!!

I know for a fact that ppl. hardly ever understand how a person can be so many opposite extremes at the same time and when u add to that some of the other Gemini traits the result is a perfect combination for a “WEIRDO”...but at the end I guess I can say that psycho or not am a happy person “mostly”–all thanks to God- and of course I have some issues that maybe I don’t even wanna deal with or at least not yet...so psycho or not am proud to be a GEMINI! :)

I hear blood, I see blood

Monday October 20, 2008 my dad had a heart bypass surgery...this wouldn’t be a problem at all if it wasn’t for the “rare complication” according to the doctor which manifested in an internal bleeding that they had to rush him back to the OR to fix it...I’d say this also wouldn’t be a problem if my dad’s blood type was anything but AB- which is according to the blood bank “dude” the rarest type in the country...being the only match available I had to rush in the middle of the night to donate some of my blood and exchange it for some of the bank stocks...I learned that this is the only way “bring a donor & pay 950 SP/unit” and NO the hospital is not responsible for any of that!!...thank God by dawn everything was ok but again around noon he needed more blood which left us all in panic...everyone called almost everyone he/she knows n’ in less than an hour we got a handful of matching donors but even better!...one of my uncles happens to know a significant “someone” which lead to us taking the last unit of AB- blood without having to wait for the donors and leaving another woman with 4 units short...ever since am pleading for those with rare blood types to donate regularly...I know I will & I will even set a reminder to that cuz even though our ordeal has passed but I do believe that we still owe it to society...

I always knew that u can find ur way almost through anything in this beloved country if u just knew the right “someone”...but honestly this is the last place I expected...vitamin “W “ as in “Works every time”

Comme Ça

C’est un passage de “Arsène Guillot “, bizarrement j'ai compris ce que ça veut dire et je pense c’est très vrai !!

“Pourquoi, madame, aime-t-on toujours les mauvais sujets ? Depuis l’infant prodigue jusqu'à votre chien Diamant, qui mord tout le monde et qui est la plus méchante bête que je connaisse, on inspire d’autant plus d’intérêt qu’on en mérite moins. – Vanité ! Pure vanité, madame, que ce sentimental-là! Plaisir de la difficulté vaincue ! Le père de l’enfant prodigue a vaincu le diable et lui a retiré sa proie ; vous avez triomphé du mauvais naturel de Diamant à force de gimblettes.”

N'hésitez pas à me corriger si je me trompe :)

P.S. Translation available in the comments section

YA BATTEEEEEL!!!

The following dialogue took place in Damascus on September 25, 2008...the characters and names are all real ppl. I didn’t make anything up...

• M: C r u Shameiyh*?!
• C: No am not!
• M: Good cuz I hate Shwaam* I can’t stand them at all!
• C: well my grandma is Shamieyh*...
• M:!!
• C (in prompt justification): but she’s NNNNNNN* I hate them too u know!
• M (smiling): once a Shami* proposed to me and I refused though the poor thing and his mom did everything they can...but my dad told them NNNNN** (with a sneaky smile all over her face)...
• NNNNNN*

Now myself being a damascene am not gonna say how I felt about it...and I have no idea where the hell those two girls r from...but am wondering if I was in Homs* around at least a dozen of ppl. wont I assume that at least one of those ppl. is Homsi*?! I wonder how he w’d feel if I said in front of him that I hate Homsi* ppl.?! and most important I wonder what w’d he do about it?!!!
I must say here that I don’t have anything against homsi ppl. on the contrary I think they r very nice ppl.
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*Shwam: damascene ppl. =the native inhabitants of Damascus city the capital of Syria
*Shameiyh: female damascene - *Shami: male damascene
*NNNNN: the sound coming from the vacuum cleaner guy approaching behind my back
*Homs: a Syrian city- *Homsi: a male from Homs

For real?!

“Sooner or later a man who wears two faces forgets which one is real!!”

This is a quote I came across recently reading “Primal Fear”...the book itself is great if only I haven’t realized half way through that I’ve already seen the movie :S

Being a Gemini “the ultimate two-faced “ this always been somewhat an agonizing point that keeps on nagging my conscience every once in a while !! where doest it all stop?! How n’ where to draw the line between the real authentic self and the courteous just “getting by” everyday self ?!! I mean I know I can do both but when it stops being practical n’ starts being hypocritical?!...Recently it’s becoming more like an obsession trying to figure it out hoping not to fall for hypocrisy n' the book sure didn't make it any easier!!

Updates:
eventually I came to believe that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself...hypocrisy always been a hotspot for me but I guess there’s nothing wrong with being practical as long as I keep it to its minimal limit n’ to keep things balanced spending more time with ppl. i can be my true self with can be quite helpful...
So now after the first week at the new job I guess it’s time for some emergency meet ups with my friends to counter act all the practicality I practiced during this week :D

New Chapter:

August 14 was my last day working at Spacetoon ending exactly 1 year and a half of my employment there...so far this is the longest I’ve stayed in one place...n’ although am moving on to my dream job to a place I always promised myself I’ll get into...my “NEVER GET ATTACHED” plan didn’t work for me this time...but whatever...I’ll get over it...

Before u start judging this pic. let me tell u that It is my “Farewell cake”...one of the guys drew it n’ he thought it w’d be funny ...this is the “terrorist” version of me cuz let me be clear here this is not how I dress n’ this is not how wear my scarf n’ this is definitely not my nose :D...the Canadian flag in my pocket is a hint to the new job n’ the point of covering my face is that u can still tell it’s me by looking at my shoes n’ yes this is me blowing up the building after I’ve left :D

BLUE BLUE!

This time I had to let a professional do it and it took exactly five hours to do so n’ the result is now I have blue hair and less things to do on my “things to do before am 30” list...

Am Happy :D

It hurts so good :D

This is probably one of the most intense weeks ever...so many good news n’ so many bad news...lots of hopes n’ lots of worries...so many mixed emotions need to be dealt with...so much to figure out...so much work to do n’ again not so much time to do any!!...

It was planed this Thursday me n’ my sweet friend were supposed to go through this together but she chickened out on me...lucky me!!...by the end of the day I was so hyper n’ tense my only thought was “SCREW IT”...really how hard can it be?!!...I read the “How To” online...how painful can it be?!...just “SCREW IT!!”...anyhow I could really use a pain distraction!!...so I made sure everything was clean n’ sterilized n’ it was only a matter of 2 minutes n’ VOWALA!!!...I pierced my own nose!!! n’ they lied...it doesn’t hurt at ALL!!!...so far am loving it...

Evolution or IS IT?!

Back in primary school days when dear dad used to send us to sleep at 8 PM I truly believed what he said that we need those 12 hours of sleep in order to develop a healthy brain n' if we had anything less than that we seriously feared for our sanity n' wondered if we r gonna grow up to be somehow retarded...after all parents never lie in those pinky days n' although I know now that all they really wanted is to have quiet evenings that theory is still NOT proven wrong :D ...few years latter my parents reduced our sentence to 9 hours n' with some negotiations we accomplished a settlement for 8...now as a grown up I believe 6 hours w'd be ideal...5 w'd be convenient...4 r just about enough...n' in crises (i.e. exams) 3 hours r doable...is this evolution or what?!! after all evolution is just a theory!!...

AND THERE'S TWO OF THEM TOO!!

Look what I found while I was studying Arabic...it kept me wondering for a while n' I could've sworn it is a verb!! But am never so sure! :P

أعرب ما تحته خط

الحق والقوة كفيلان بعزة الأمة

My SAW III Experience

So I was home alone doing some serious studying...feeling really hungry I went into the kitchen n' fixed me something to eat...I decided to take a break n' watch some TV...I flipped through some channels n' then there it was SAW III was on almost half way through...I didn’t even see the I n' II though I was planning to do that cuz my friend told me it is too sick even for me!! I had my doubts about that so I thought watching it w'd be something but eating while doing so will be the ultimate something :P...when it was over I was happy that I managed to keep all the food down though I felt nauseous for a couple of hours after that n' YES!!! IT IS SICK!!! more than I thought it w'd be!! but I guess being alone all the cursing n' freaking out really helped :P...n' BTW I was so alarmed to see how average the guys who made all this up looks like!!!

Addicted to Numbness

Am not a control freak but the person I really enjoy controlling the most is me...being able to block all unwanted feelings n’ pointless thoughts just to be able to function well as human being cuz I just know that dealing with those w’d require too much time n’ energy all which I can’t afford these days...just giving in n’ letting my mind go numb in away a bomb w’d fall near me n’ it wont even bother me much...ppl. w’d be fighting n’ killing each other in front of me n’ I won’t even care to say a word...ppl. sometimes wonder what kind of drugs am on...but I swear to God am not using any...not that I haven’t thought of it before but no I don’t need it when I can do this...though am not so sure about the side effects cuz am really starting to think it’s addictive...something I’ve been doing for no good reason lately...not knowing if it’s a good or a bad thing am still a very happy person but a thoughtless n’ emotionless one!!!...

• Pulling the plug on what I used to call my brain
• In a way I won't have to give in to my pain
• Surrender to being comfortably thoughtless
• Don’t care for sparks, I love my darkness!
• Go on n' take the lead, I don’t have to follow
• Am here today n' I'll be here tomorrow...

Something to think about

This really made me reflect on some of the blessings we take for granted...taken from the Autobiography of Malcolm X the chapter entitled "Saved"...this is what he said describing his first attempts to pray...

"The hardest test I ever faced in my life was praying. You understand. My comprehending, my believing the teachings of Mr. Muhammad had only required my mind's saying to me, "That's right!" or "I never thought of that."
But bending my knees to pray-that act-well, that took me a week.

You know what my life had been. Picking a lock to rob someone's house was the only way my knees had ever been bent before.

I had to force myself to bend my knees. And waves of shame and embarrassment would force me back up.
For evil to bend its knees, admitting its guilt, to implore the forgiveness of God, is the hardest thing in the world. It's easy for me to see and say that now. But then, when I was the personification of evil, I was going through it. Again, again, I would force myself back down into the praying-to-Allah posture. When finally I was able to make myself stay down-I didn't know what to say to Allah."

The Autobiography of Malcolm X: Done

Finally am done reading the Autobiography of Malcolm X...it is something I wanted to do for YEARS but it took me years to find the book n' I didn’t want to rush reading it so it took me longer than I expected but I really enjoyed every word of it and it sure deserves a re-read...

It's the story of a man who survived dramatic transformations in his beliefs a man with a message of change a man who courageously stood firm in the face of his enemies and was ready to sacrifice everything in the pursuit of seeking the pleasure of Allah and justice for his people...

My favorite part was his pilgrimage to Mecca...I stayed all night reading it n' when I was done I was never more proud to be a Muslim...now I do believe that there was more to his death than the Nation of Islam but God knows...

El-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz R.I.P.

Gobbledygook!!

So what if you don’t always get what you want...it’s not the end of the world...this will teach u how to appreciate what u already have...n’ what if what u already have is not what u always wanted...ok maybe this will teach u how to appreciate what u already had...but what’s the point then!!...this is going no where...u r going nowhere...but what the hell is the point of going anywhere when there’s really nowhere to go!!...forget it u r wasted!!...u don’t know what u want!!...yaa whatever!!...

“This is me talking nonsense to me”

Zombie Demons

Rising from the dead and hunting me again!! I killed them before...I can do it again...so help me God!!

!!

NUMB . . . NUMB . . . NUMB . . . . . . . . . .

Now n' Then

Looking at my blogger profile down there…somehow it felt funny…I took the time to write it when I first started blogging back in 2005 I still cant believe it’s been two years already!!...i can say it was the first serious profile for me n’ I copied n’ pasted it since then…
How much of the person I used to be is left?!...Lets see!!

Somehow I still don’t always know what exactly I want...but now I can clearly say I know exactly what I don’t want…

I guess consciously or not i still offend thin-skinned ppl. but I learned my lesson the hard way to tone it down...

Yesterday, today, tomorrow n’ forevermore my hate for racism and racists was, is and will always be as intense as ever...

I think i got over my 2pac obsession n’ I can say that it is much more healthier now...i still like him as an artist n’ as a man :P...i still believe in everything good he represented...i still believe he converted to Islam n’ now am convinced that he’s dead...

When all's said and done am still praying for better days yet to come...

Ancient History!!

Going through some old stuff I stumbled on this piece of old paper...I have no idea why I kept it all these days...or should i say years!!...

I remember that I used to love math n' physics but after a whole year in collage I realized that there's nothing real about real analysis...mechanics was kinda nice though!! Either ways I failed n' looking at this piece of paper am not so sure what they meant by the piece of information circled in red!!!!

I had a good laugh out of this :)

Hearts & Minds

Dear blog,

Sorry I’ve been away for so long but what can I say?!...well when life can’t get any better it can only get worse :) ...NAAA it’s not that bad not bad at all but if I learned something the past few months it would be this “am putting it here for me to remember”:

“Breaking the rules can be fun sometimes, BUT it’s never fun to break ur own rules...Get ur rules straight, get ur mind straight”

W RAMADAN KAREEM!!

Sharsha7a Day...

Yesterday at work everyone was feeling down in the dumps...that's when we came up with the "Anti-Depression Club" with few selected ppl. from different departments...the activities of this club is scheduled on every Monday...
Today's activity is called "Sharsha7a Day" literal translation w'd be "Fashion-mess Day"...we get to wear whatever we want as long as we look a mess...so my choice for today was: yellow boots, fire-red socks, black skirt "so I can reveal the socks :P", orange long T-shirt+ black top with cap, brownish tie "dad's" and the T-shirt's price tag (I made sure that it was obvious enough)...guaranteed mess...

That was fun :D

When Life Can't Get Any Better!!

How can I be grateful enough?!…with all the blessings!...I just don’t know where to start…God have always been so generous n’ good to me…even if I spent the rest of my life…starting tonight…praising the lord only for the blessing of having such good ppl. around inspiring me all the way… I bet when I die I will still be buried in debt …

So another year passed already…am a quarter of a century old :P…God how time keeps on flying away?!…but as long as they r good times who the hell is counting!!…

Sending out love to my family, mom n’ dad my brothers n’ the rest of my extended family some really long list…but special thanks to Razan, Dima, Lubna n’ Lil Tammam “born on the same day 9 years later“ am glad that u turned out to be a rapper after all ;P…my sweet n’ most precious friends: Nisrin, Iyad, Amal, Dareen, Husam, Diala, Ramaz, Nora, Firas n’ Maysa…I simply can’t thank u all enough guys…also surprisingly I had a birthday surprise at work…that was sooo sweet n’ I really didn’t see it coming…Thanks n’ “Happy Birthday” to Mona the other birthday girl “GIMENIES ROCK!!!” n’ many thanks to sweet Laila, squeaky Dima, Nora, Haitham, Sara n’ the rest of the gang…I really had a blast of a time!!!...well life goes on n’ hopefully it will keep on getting better n’ better…THANK U ALL & THANK U GOD!!!...